In MFT, the process of joining is foundational to the way therapists connect with client systems. First introduced by Salvador Minuchin in his development of Structural Family Therapy, joining is now ubiquitous in systemic therapies regardless of theory and model of therapy. However, as ever-present as the idea of joining is, the process of joining is not always easy to articulate. Sometimes it is mistaken for other ways of engaging a client system. This post will address four mistakes emerging therapists (and some more seasoned therapists) often make when conceptualizing joining a client system.

Mistake #1: Joining is the same as building rapport

Building rapport with a client is essential at the outset of therapy and continues to carry substantial weight as therapy moves form beginning to middle and toward termination. Rapport, however, is not joining. Building rapport with the client system is making a connection and developing a familiarity and a liking or respect. Rapport is a sense that initial knowing and being known. It is not deep knowing and it is not participation in a social system. Rapport may open the door to multi-directional partiality, but it is not joining a client system.

Mistake #2: Joining is the same as multi-directional partiality

Multi-directional partiality is rapport building in every direction. In systemic therapy it is common to have multiple people in the room or to give voice to people not in the room. Linear thinkers may have anxiety about whose side they will feel compelled to be on, but systemic thinkers intentionally seek to hold in tension the equal allegiance to all members of the system and to the client system itself for the sake of the health of the system. when the therapist is actively partial in favor of each person and the whole client system, the connection between each person and the therapist can move from rapport to trust, but multi-directional partiality is not joining.

Mistake #3: Joining is the same as building trust

Trusting building is deeper than rapport and is essential as the therapeutic relationship develops. Trust is more than a familiarity and a liking or respect. Trust involves a level of vulnerability that is not part of rapport. Trust creates psychological and interpersonal space for sensitive disclosures to be made without fear the information will be used inappropriately. Trust also is a client's demonstration of their assessment of the therapist's competence where rapport is not a measure of competence. Trust may open the door to a strong therapeutic alliance, but it is not the same as joining.

Mistake #4: Joining is the same as therapeutic alliance

Building a therapeutic alliance is essential for client care and Lambert says could count for as much as 30% of the improvement when clients are successful in therapy. Therapeutic alliance is the strong trusting relationship between the therapist and the client wherein the client believes that the therapist is competent to do good work and committed to the process. It is the sense that there is a team comprised of the client system and the therapist and together they will do whatever it takes to accomplish the goals the team has created for itself. Therapeutic alliance is essential for client success, but it is not joining.

Ok, so what in the world is joining if it is not building rapport, practicing multi-directional partiality, developing trust, of building a therapeutic alliance?

Join is becoming a member of the client system. Yes, all of these four things above a part of what can make joining possible or perhaps can be a by-product of joining, but they are not joining. When you as a therapist join a client system, you are being sponsored into that small social system. The boundaries of the social system that you were previously on the outside of have become permeable and you have been allowed inside of them.

In joining, you change status from outsider to insider. You are privy to more and more information about the client system, but more than that, you are given power in that system. In a sense, joining is the most powerful intervention as it perturbs the system. No social system can simply add an entire person to it and succeed at being unchanged. The family is already restructuring and often times they are not aware at the outset to what extent of a change they have made.

While the therapist joins the system (I would argue that in therapy the therapist cannot not join), it is critical that rapport building, multi-directional partiality, trust building, and alliance building are always actively up and running. The client system has taken a big risk letting you be a member, and sometimes your membership is probationary. When you join the family, the clock starts ticking on whether their boundaries will lose their permeability. If boundaries become rigid, the system may spit you out and then hurry back to reconstruct its homeostasis.

When a client system lets you join their system, they have given the first fruits of honor toward you. You tell them what a wise choice they made when you build strong rapport that deepens with everyone and the therapeutic relationship becomes goal seeking team.

Joining is an essential intervention in therapy. It should not be confused with other aspects of relating to client systems. When therapists conceptualize themselves as members of the client system, it can heighten their sense of place in client system and move their understanding from an outsider applying techniques to an independent client system and more toward seeing their work as an inside job.

it can be tempting for early career therapists to believe that the right model of therapy, the right theory, or the next empirically validated technique will be the thing that makes them a great therapist. In their best efforts to provide the very best care for clients, and perhaps to ease their anxiety about doing good work, early career therapists may reach for something "proven," "validated" or even "magical" in order to be worth the fees they charge.

Yes, it's tempting.

Don't give in.

No one else but you can talk out of your mouth but you. Your voice, and your voice alone, will ever speak effectively in the therapy sessions wherein you are the therapist.

The purpose of theory, models of therapy, and the myriad techniques available is not to remove the therapist from the equation, but instead they exist to shape the therapist. You are not to lose your voice in these tools of therapy, but instead you are to find your voice, refine your voice, strengthen your voice, and make a contribution to the lives of your clients that you alone can provide.

If your goal is to become someone else with all the training, reading, and rehearsing, then the best you can do is a fair impersonation of someone else. You may be able to mimic Susan Johnson or Bill O'Hanlon, but you are obviously not them. Do not solve for how to be your mentor or clinical hero or how to "nail" the model of therapy, but instead seek to develop the part of you that your mentor, hero, or model of therapy calls to in their work and in those techniques. Becoming the vest best clinical version of yourself is the goal for early career therapists.

And mid career therapists.

And late career therapists.

You can do empirically validated therapy all you want, but if you are not actively becoming an empirically validated therapist, you will never be the best you can be. Do clinical work in your voice as shaped, coached, and refined by everything you learn.