(s.o.m.e.t.h.i.n.g) Against The Machine

April 21, 2020 Chris Gonzalez

Everyone is touched in some way by this pandemic and the resulting Safer at Home orders. Everything is cancelled or interrupted. Almost everything that used to be distributed across many parts of our local communities has been crammed into our homes.

Homes have become satellite schools, outposts of work, tiny church worship sites, centers for entertainment as well as the local restaurant, ice cream shop, and coffee shop. Some homes have become hair salons and those that haven't are looking more and more like something out of the 1970's, but with internet. And oh yes, I almost forgot, homes are for families too.

And for some people, while everything is happening at home, it is happening at home - alone. Home is the center of all activity while also being the fortress of solitude. Home alone can feel lonely when everything but relationships can happen there.

So much of everyday life has been compressed into the tiny boxes of our homes. And all of this because of a virus we cannot see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Living such a compressed life in such a confined space leaves more scarce the resources of home for doing what home does best - being a home. It seems everything wants a piece of home these days.

Compression such as this can lead to elevated stress for individuals and for relationships. As the pressure mounts, people tend to get uncomfortable. Sustain discomfort or perhaps even suffering for too long and people start looking to resolve the problem. In general, there are three ways to respond to the mounting stress people experience. Two of these three ways are easy to do, but end up making things worse. One of these responses is much more difficult, but results in good for self and for others.

Act out.

One of the ways people try to resolve their chronic stress is by acting out. Rage Against the Machine. Vent. Look for someone, anyone to blame. Find a whipping boy and whip away. This response to stress is to take out the discomfort on another. It is an attempt to resolve one's own discomfort by transferring it to someone else. The problem is that the transfer never really happens. What happens instead is the discomfort meant to go from one person to another stays with the one person while grows and spreads to others. It is stress contagion not stress transfer.

Act in.

Another way people try to resolve their chronic stress is to swallow it whole and hope to digest it slowly. Denial. Repression. Dismissal. Throw it into the iron box in the corner of the mind and hope it doesn't crawl out. This kind of acting in often results in problems. Anxiety. Insomnia. Depression. Eating Disorders. Throw that discomfort into the iron box and it can crawl out as a monster. Acting in doesn't work any better than acting out. Paradoxically, the end result of acting in is increased stress to self and others.

Grow up.

A third way to respond that is neither acting out nor acting in is growing up. Now, this is not me shouting out how immature everyone is who feels discomfort. Not at all. Instead it is humble recognition that we all have some growing up to do.

Growing up involves being emotionally honest while not being emotionally owned. Being honest with your emotions means acknowledging all the feelings while also being honest enough to recognize that these feelings are information with varying degrees of accuracy. We are honest enough not to rely on emotions as the sole source of truth.

Growing up also means acceptance. There are some things in life that can be changed and some things that can't. For example, no one can change a pandemic no matter how they try. Coming to acceptance about the situation we find ourselves in, after attending to emotions, is part of growing up.

Growing up also means being creative, inventive, and maybe even a little subversive. It means surveying that which cannot be changed and make some new or creative use of it. So, we cannot end the pandemic by force of will, but we can create humor, new patterns of living, new traditions, new memories, new goals. In light of the thing we can't do anything about we can do things we would have never thought of - by growing up.

Growing up does not act out and rage against the machine, but reaches out to connect. Growing up does not act in, but searches within reflecting on purpose and meaning. Growing up creates something new that is good for self and others.

Couples in Quarantine

April 20, 2020 Chris Gonzalez

Work, school, church, entertainment, food prep and clean up. More of these things are happening at home during this pandemic, and they are happening all the time. But there is no more space in the home for these things. Just about every function of life now has to happen from home.

For couples who are trying to make this all happen, scrambling to make sure they are accomplishing their work, uncertain about whether their job will even continue, trying to appear professional in a Zoom call in their staged Zoomroom in a home that might look like a disaster area just outside of camera view, negotiating work space and technology with their partner - couples feel the added pressure of carving out space for work that only a few weeks ago was intended specifically for not working.

Couples with children are trying accomplish this work scenario while managing their children's education, feeding their children meals, while managing and attending to their children's presence emotionally while feeling the grind of a collection of additional responsibilities.

All of the normal routines of presence and sound are limited and changed with work and school boundaries dictating the patterns and rhythms of home. Where you can be. What you can wear. Sounds you can and cannot make. Tasks you can and cannot perform.

It's no longer safe to walk around in your pajamas or less in your own home because someone else might be on a Zoom call.

It's no longer safe to yell something into the other room because all of your partner's co-workers might hear it.

Who gets the good space to their videoconferencing? Who gets the good computer? Who gets the...?

More communication is required in order to arrive at shared expectations of limited time and space. While each is trying to persist in continuity of work and school, couples are having to do all of that in space that was supposed to be a sanctuary from all of that.

Here is some "couples in quarantine" advice:

1. Have a couple meeting for the purpose of getting all of the needs on the table. Your work and school is asking for access to your time and your space. Get a sense for how much is being asked of each of you and you as a couple. It will surprise you just how much is being asked of you when you get it all on the table.

Take a breath.

2. Have empathy for what your partner is going through. You know the adjustments you are having to make, but you might not have considered how challenging it is for your partner. Giving the empathy your partner needs can go a long way toward getting the empathy you hope you could get.

3. Acknowledge what you've lost. You've lost considerable structure, rhythm, and space. Couples both working from home have lost a lot of freedoms they have enjoyed in their homes. Even though this loss is temporary, it is still a loss. Acknowledge it. It is ok to feel sad, angry, pressured, imposed upon. Every unexpressed feeling will assert itself in some other way if neglected for too long.

4. Encourage one another that this is temporary and you're committed to doing what it takes to get through this. Your partner is your most important relational asset right now. Nurture that relationship with empathy and encouragement.

5. Set up regular check-ins to assess how you're doing in managing this new way of using home space. What is working and what needs adjustment. Keep blame out of this meeting, but make sure to acknowledge everything your partner does that is working well.

The added pressure this pandemic is adding to couples is significant. It can feel like a grind. It is. The opportunity for couples is that they can sharpen their efforts at mutuality, empathy, encouragement, support, and communication.

Nostalgia is the Opiate of the People

April 11, 2020 Chris Gonzalez

Nostalgia is terrible way to heal from trauma. Nostalgia is a poor source of information for identity formation. Nostalgia is a picture pretending to be a mirror. Nostalgia is a novel pretending to be an autobiography. Nostalgia is a drug posing as a cure. Whether on a personal and private level of trauma or identity crisis or on a cultural level of mass trauma of cultural identity crisis, nostalgia is not good treatment for suffering or identity formation.

But we’re already doing it.

“Remember places?” “Remember sports?” “Remember…” We are already anticipating the return to normalcy during this pandemic, and of course we will go to places and we will play and watch sports and we will eat a restaurants again. We are longing for the good ole days that happened generations ago? Decades ago? Year ago? No. We are longing for the good ole days we enjoyed early last month.

Were Americans to reduce our dependence on nostalgia as treatment for trauma, as a coping mechanism, as a distraction, as identity formation, as a way to preserve the comforting obliviousness we all secretly long to protect by 50%, our economy would collapse, our political parties would lose their leverage, our religions would suffer (mainly the religious charlatans), and our government would be shaken if not destroyed.

America runs on nostalgia. The problem is that nostalgia is the opiate of the people.

After World War I, also called the War to End all Wars (which occurred at the same time as the Spanish Flu), the roaring 20’s was the expression of American nostalgia. We partied and danced because we would never have a war like this again. We got back to normal, whatever that was prior to 1914. However, our American addiction to nostalgia and the presumed wealth that comes along with it resulted in the worst economic catastrophe in American history, The Great Depression. To survive The Great Depression in the 1930’s people did everything they could do just to make ends meet. Coming out of The Great Depression and the Dust Bowl, we presumed were immune to war because we had ended all wars in The War to end all Wars. We were immune to economic collapse because we just survived that. Now, we can get back to normal.

World War II destroyed the normalcy assumption again. Americans resisted entering into WWII because it was not our problem. We were enjoying our nostalgia as we were finally normal once again. Pearl Harbor broke Americans of our trance and there was no way to ignore the catastrophic evil happening in the world because now it was happening to us. Nostalgia persists until it is threatened. Then we find something better than nostalgia to pay attention to.

After WWII, we tried it again. The return to normalcy when men returned from war was palpable. We can finally get back to being Americans again. We lost hundreds of thousands of people in the war. More than that were wounded physically and psychologically. We tried once again in the 1950’s to return to normalcy. We began once again to take hits of nostalgia to feel better. We would finally feel good and return to our true identity, even though there was no clear identity to return to. We simply recycled our nostalgia.

And then the 1960’s happened. Another jolt to take us out of the nostalgic trance. Social unrest broke out. Rebellion against the relentless nostalgic gaslighting that papered over the social consciousness trying to form fit all Americans into a singular kind of American and when someone didn’t fit, then they weren’t truly American. The 1950’s brought us the message that if you did not conform to the one way to be American, you were not American at all – a threat to America. The 1960’s was a robust, unignorable, and relentless rebuke of the singular American nostalgic effort of the 1950’s which was a cultural effort to feel better after the worst war ever (in America) and figure out once and for all who we are. The backlash against American nostalgia became violent as prominent leaders of those who challenged the nostalgia were killed off.

We tried nostalgia again in the 1980’s and leveraged the winning of the Cold War as evidence that the American nostalgia is correct.

We tried nostalgia again after 9/11.

We heard the call for American nostalgia in “Make American Great Again” and we bought it.

We Americans have been trying to heal our individual, cultural, economic, and geo-political wounds with the singularity of American nostalgia for over a century. We Americans are so eager to know with certainty who we are that the quick answer nostalgia gives relieves the angst of not knowing without actually having to know.

Here’s the problem: Nostalgia doesn’t heal. Nostalgia doesn’t tell you who you are.

Nostalgia is the opiate of the people. Nostalgia is a reach for identity for a people who still don’t know who they are. It is a short cut to the relief of having a certain identity without having to do the hard work of developing an identity. It is lipstick, it is paint, it is plastic surgery, it is paper mache. Nostalgia is a narrative that seems good enough such that it relieves the legitimate author that we all are of our lives from actually having to write our own stories. It relieves creators from having to create. It is pain relief for hurting people that bypasses actually having to heal. Feeling no pain is not the same healing. We are too eager to relieve the pain and call it a cure.

Nostalgia is the ultimate in seductive gaslighting. It is the lie we really hope to be told and really hope to be true. Nostalgia is the process of culture-wide objectification of people to help them feel no pain and believe they know who they are in exchange for profit and power.

Now we are in the throes of a Pandemic that has threatened the lives of people we love, threatened our economy, threatened our education system, threatened our health care system, and threatened – wait for it – our way of life. These threats are real. However, the cures we are about to be offered are not.

Nostalgia is awaiting its triumphant return. Major corporations will feed us nostalgia to get back to normal. They are prepared to sell us all the answers to all of the disruptions – of our nostalgia. Political parties are eager to answer these questions with nostalgia. We long to know who we are and how to feel good. The now century (or more) old American nostalgia machine is prepared to crank up once again. And most of us probably won’t even notice.

I make no claims to be immune to such forces. I probably have no idea how deeply these forces of nostalgia have invaded my own desire to heal and my own search for myself.

My own little subversive efforts to disrupt the powers of nostalgia is an effort to actually heal by doing the hard work of healing, even if it hurts. I trust that all healing is God’s healing, not corporate answers or political promises. My own subversion of nostalgia is the keep my own existential questions ever before me: “Who am I now?” “What does it mean to be made in God’s image right here and right now?”

Perhaps I am just partaking in another opiate. I don’t know for certain. What I do believe is that I do not want to be seduced by nostalgia and lose everything I stand to lose in doing so. Jesus asked, “What does it profit a person to gain the world and lose the soul?”

What does it profit a person to gain pain relief and continue to be injured?

What does it profit a person to adopt an identity while never knowing themselves?

I’d prefer to take my nostalgia is small doses, a sip of wine at dinner and not expect it to solve for all of my appetites, longings, and beliefs.

5 Pandemic Problems: What to do about them

April 9, 2020 Chris Gonzalez

The Covid-19 pandemic has turned so many things upsidedown. Work from home, school from home, entertain from home, and eat at home. Quite a bit is being asked of the American home and the people in those homes right now. Most of life is being insourced or homesourced. For couples and families, a lot is being asked of those relationships inside those homes while for people who live alone, quite a bit is being asked of their social patterns as well. The stressors are elevated and chronic for many.

Stressors such as these can lead to some challenges and problems. Here are 5 problems that might occur or be revealed during a pandemic and what to do about them.

1. Added stress
For many individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic and all the disruptions it has caused pile up additional stress on top of what was already stressful. Some people and some relationships might have been at their max for stress before the pandemic. Adding more stress is not what was hoped for.

Some things you can do is to remember that this is temporary. This is not the new normal; it is the new moment. Sure, it might last several more weeks, but that is different than lasting forever. Another thing you can do is to tally up that which moved off your plate. So many deadlines, events, responsibilities, and things that cost time and money have been rescheduled or canceled. There is no need to carry the stress you carried for thing s that will not happen at all or will not happen now. You may have to grieve their loss, and that is very hard. But not everything that was lost is worth being sad about. Some deserve private celebrations because you didn't want to do it anyway. One more thing you can do is to understand that your quality of work has a lot to do with your quality of work space and work environment. To expect the same or better productivity at home with children trying to do school from home, with meals having to be made or ordered, with limited space for actually doing work (e.g Your Zoom Room is the only 25 square feet in your house that isn't a disaster area) etc. is not helpful. Adjust expectations to conditions while doing your best. Have some grace for your work. Do your best, but read the room.

2. Escalate existing stress.
For many individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic takes an existing stressor to the next level. Fissures in relationships may feel added pressure and open up wider. Couples or families with strained relationships who once found respite in going to work or going to school are now around each other most of the day. Some people who live on their own may feel more distance from people they no longer can be with their friends and family.

Boundaries are extremely important in a time of pandemic. People living in households are forced to be near one another, but that does not mean they do not have to give up on boundaries. In fact, this might be an excellent opportunity to construct new and healthy boundaries. Rules and roles in relationships can be renegotiated. This is a natural way to enter into conversations about wants and needs in a relationship. This is also an opportunity to expand the scope of ways people communicate with one another. With social entertaining emerging with the Netflix Party chrome extension, House Party app, and other gaming applications, connection may not be so much face to face, but it doesn't have to go away.

3. Activate past trauma response.
For some individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic is touching on past trauma wounds in some expected and some unexpected ways. Attachment wounds may be activated when people cannot be with the people they love and may depend on for help. Prolonged social distancing might even dredge up the wound of abandonment some have experienced, even if that wound has been long since addressed. Just the experience of some powerful force (e.g. pandemic) larger and stronger than you forcing undesirable requirements can in some ways be similar to trauma.

In moment such as these, using grounding techniques (e.g. touch something around you to let your body know where it is) and relaxation techniques (slow and deep breathing)can help to restore the body to baseline. Sometimes taking a walk can help the body to reset or getting into the kitchen and preparing food. When the trauma response is active, you do not have be oppressed by it.

4. Interrupt established coping strategies.
For some individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic has interrupted the ways of coping that have helped them heal and remain healthy. Traditions, rituals, and go-to practices that have done so much good in their lives are no longer available to them.

The good news is that you and the people with whom you have relationships have demonstrated your ability to construct good coping strategies. It means you can most likely do it again. However, it will take having the awareness of what was lost, enduring the emotional outcomes, and collectively agree to start again AND agree that when things get back to normal (whatever that means) the best of the previous rituals and traditions can resume.

5. Become the new home for pre-existing undifferentiated anxiety.
For some individuals, couples, and families, there has been a lingering, chronic, and undifferentiated anxiety always afloat within and between people (differentiated anxiety is anxiety where you know the source while undifferentiated anxiety is anxiety that is just there, with no known source). The pandemic provides content for this undifferentiated anxiety to attach itself to and become the justification for the anxiety. The psychological tail wags the psychological dog. The anxiety is sometimes fed with ruminating, obsessing, dosing up on 24 hour news, scouring internet websites and blogs, and having endless pandemic infused conversations. When there is too much undifferentiated anxiety afloat in the system, a major situation like a pandemic can become the central operating principle of a person or their relational system. It is almost like the pandemic serves to activate an addiction waiting to happen.

What can be good about this situation is that it can alert an individual or relational system about their condition that was already up and running - significant undifferentiated anxiety - but they were not aware of it. Upon detecting this, people and relational systems can move to address their anxiety (and not believe they have to solve the pandemic to feel some relief). This effort can be pursued through various kinds of self work, but might best be done under the care of a therapist. Having lots of undifferentiated anxiety lingering around often means there is an unhealed wound or some growth areas that need some attention. Each of us have an amount of undifferentiated anxiety, but when it becomes too much, it seeks a reason and means of expression.

Everything Happens For A Reason (Or Does It?)

January 1, 2019 Chris Gonzalez

Everything Happens For A Reason (Or Does It?)

Often I have heard people say that everything happens for a reason. I do not agree. Why? I do not agree because that notion runs up against the vast (though limited) freedoms that we have as humans made in the image of God. To say everything happens for a reason is to abdicate the responsibility we have as humans to make decisions about experiences, circumstances, and events.

Instead, I would say that meaning can be made of anything. As humans made in the image of God, we have both the ability and the responsibility to assign meaning to experiences, circumstances, and events. Going further, I believe that it is impossible NOT to assign meaning to experiences, circumstances, and events. The question is not whether we assign meaning to what happens in our lives (even to declare something meaningless), but rather how we go about doing it.

The cosmic battle for the condition of the soul of each of us does not lie in the external and untouchable "reason" something happened, but instead in the meaning we have the power to assign to what happened. The world is populated with beautiful and redemptive narratives that pre-exist our experiences and it is also littered with condemning and life-draining narratives that also pre-exist our experiences. Furthermore, as humans we have the power to construct new narratives that can lean toward redemption or can lean toward destruction.

There is tremendous gravity to respond to an experience by selecting from the array of pre-existing narratives. These meanings that are already present assert themselves through religion, media, politics, institutions, and any other cultural construct that carries and perpetuates meaning.

When something happens and we want to know why, pre-existing meanings are already lined up to answer the question. These social narratives give the sense that things happen for a reason. These pre-existing narratives do not present themselves as options, but instead assert that they are true. The explain the joy or pain, often convincingly. They assemble the events of your life into a coherent line of reasoning and make truth claims about them.

In general, we have three options for what to do with everything that happens in our lives.

1. Foreclose. We can just give in and accept whatever the most assertive or most available narrative is and move on with our lives now owning whatever meaning has been assigned. Foreclosing is generally the easiest option, but also least responsible option. Foreclosing requires no self-awareness or agency. It is subject to the de-humanizing ideas of fate, pre-destination, and determinism that populate popular culture, religion, and science.

2. Rebel. We can deny the pre-existing narratives and decide to assign the opposite meaning. Rebellion against the pre-existing narratives is a more difficult option as there are often consequences to such a decision. Rebellion does require some level of self-awareness, however, the amount of self-awareness is often overestimated. There is a sense of freedom in the rebellion response, but in the end it is still oriented around the pre-existing narrative - like a photo negative, the image has only changed color scheme. Rebellion does require some agency, but not much in the end. It can be as de-humanizing as foreclosure.

3. Critical Creative Intention. A third option is Critical Creative Intention. This response to the circumstances, experiences, and situations of life is more fluid and most importantly puts space between the event and the assignment of meaning of the event. That space is some of the most human space in the universe. It is the space of human creativity, humans agency, and human initiative. It is "Critical" in that it seeks to be aware of the pre-existing narratives for the purpose of examining the validity of the narratives and testing that validity. It is "Creative" because it holds out the possibility that there is no current narrative which best explains what happened and therefore a new narrative is required. And it is "Intentional" in that it assumes the responsibility for meaning assignment (and quite possibly meaning creation) rests with the person who had the experience.

Furthermore, Critical Creative Intention allows for and anticipates the evolution of meaning assigned to events as time passes. Again, there is greater fluidity to the assignment of meaning. Historical events do not change, but the assigned meaning can change. The past is fixed, but the meaning of the past is not fixed.

If we are created in God's image, then we too are creators in some sense. Part of our creative responsibility is to create meaning in this world. I would argue we are to create meaning that legitimates experiences and all of their biological, psychological, social, and spiritual implications and leverages them toward love.

7 Habits To Build A Resilient Mental Health Immunity: A Primer for Beginners

December 8, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

Mental Health that is resilient is essential for living a joyful and productive life. Mental health is every bit as important as physical health. Just like building a strong immune system can help to ward off cold and flu in the body, building a strong immune system for mental health increases the chances of avoiding anxiety and mood disorders when stress piles up.

Many people have compromised mental health immune systems and do not even know it. Only when stress piles up and is chronic does the weakness in their mental health immune system show. Elevated frequency and intensity in symptoms of anxiety and depression are common indicators of a compromised mental health system. Intense worry, agitation, short fuse, mild paranoia, excitability, distractibility, difficulty concentrating, elevated heart rate not due to physical exertion and being fidgety can be some symptoms of a compromised mental health immune symptoms. Furthermore, frequently feeling sadness, hopelessness, guilt, and loss of interest in enjoyable things can all be symptoms of compromised mental health immune system. Sleeping too much or too little; eating too much or too little; frequent and/or prolonged use of smart phone scrolling; mindless binge-watching can all be symptoms of compromised mental health immune system.

Building a strong mental health immune system is relatively simple, but like most things that are healthy, it takes consistent and repeated habits which accumulate benefits over time. Most people are able to significantly improve the resiliency of their mental health immune system by implementing 7 health habits for 30 days. Below are seven healthy habits. These are not the only healthy habits that can improve the mental health immune system, but these 7 habits, when practiced with consistency, can have significant and observable positive effects when practiced over 30 days. If 30 days seems like too much to swallow at first attempt, then do a quick start by doing a 7 for 7.

What follows are 7 Healthy Habits to boost your mental health immunity:

Breathe

Of course you are already breathing, but you are most likely breathing shallow and involuntary breaths. These breaths are functional and essential to keep you moving. The kind of breathing that is healthy are voluntary and intentionally deep breaths. In order to breathe this way, it requires doing nothing but breathing. It is actually really simple and only take a couples of minutes.

· Sit down in a comfortable chair or in a comfortable position.

· Close your eyes.

· Slowly inhale through your nose for 5 or more seconds.

· Let your chest expand to full such that it feels like your stomach is also filling with air.

· Hold that air inside for 3 to 5 seconds.

· Slowly exhale through your mouth for 5 or more seconds.

· When you exhale, let your jaw loose.

· When you let your jaw loose, let your whole body relax.

· When you let your whole body relax, you will be able to detect which muscles or areas of the body are stiff or hold hidden tension.

· On the next exhale, allow those specific tension holding areas to loosen.

· All it takes is 10 breaths like this to regain substantial blood oxygen which converts into physical and mental readiness.

Eat

Of course you already eat, but eating healthy energy makes a substantial difference. Eating low to no sugar, low carbohydrates, many vegetables, and some protein and fat significantly helps to regulate the sugar highs and sudden drops when the insulin kicks in. Eating lots of vegetables and not much sugar with a little protein and fat allows the body to burn energy more evenly. After three days of this eating regime, most people experience a surprising and welcome reduction in sluggishness, bloating, cloudy and distracted thinking, and food cravings which are usually just sugar/carb cravings.

Eat when you are hungry, not craving. It is important to distinguish between eating when hungry and eating for other reasons. People eat for lots of reasons beside nutrition. Stress eating, boredom eating, and anger eating are coping mechanisms that may serve some quick fix type of emotional resolve, but there is a steep accumulative cost over time. Furthermore, food cannot reduce stress, solve boredom, or reduce anger. Using food to fix these problems just pushes those problems into the future where they fester and grow.

Sleep

Of course you already sleep, but many people sleep out of rhythm or not enough. Get 8-10 hours of sleep every night and sleep at roughly the same times each night. Napping can be healthy too, but brief 10-15 powernaps are best. Extended day naps from exhaustion due to missing sleep the night before creates an unhealthy rhythm. Naps of exhaustion or desperation may be the indicator that you did not get enough sleep the night before. Getting 8-10 hours of sleep provides the body and mind a full reset for the next 16 hours.

Move

Of course you move already, but probably not much. 30 minutes of light exercise daily makes a world of difference. Light exercise can mean walking, yoga, or some other light workout. It does not require lifting weights, an expensive gym membership, or any equipment. It doesn’t even have to be 30 consecutive minutes. It could be three short walks for ten minutes each. Walk around the block, find a yoga youtube channel, go for a run. If walking is boring, put that smartphone to good use and find an interesting podcast or audiobook. You’ll feel extra productive while getting your body moving.

Speak

Speak positive and true words to yourself about yourself. This is easy and can take less than one minute. First, know 5 to 10 true and good things about yourself. If these are not readily apparent, then do some self-reflection and write those things down. Everyone has lots of good characteristics, attributes, and qualities. Write them down in a place you will revisit at least once per day and rehearse them. At least once per day, say these true and positive things to yourself, out loud is best. It is probably best to say these true and good things to yourself just before or after your 10 deep breaths.

This may seem like it is so simple or perhaps irrelevant. It is essential. Each day there are so many messages floating around in the narrative of American culture that wear away at each person’s positive sense of self that it can be like being stung by mosquitoes all day long. None of them kills, but none of them helps either.

Finally, saying true and good words about yourself to yourself is not about arrogance or pride; instead, it is about a humble and honest assessment of what good you carry into the world you face each day. Good and true words answers the existential questions that are present daily as they move in and out of our awareness: why am I here? What is my purpose? If you know what good you carry into the world wherever you go, then you have a true and ready answer for these ever-present questions. You also have some internal protection when people are unkind to you, bad things happens, or plans just fall apart.

Interact

Face to face interaction with people, especially people you like and who like you, has both physiological and emotional benefits. The effects of face to face interaction are different and much better than technology mediated interactions such as texting or e-mail or even Facetime. There is nothing wrong with those interactions, but they serve different functions than face to face interaction. Face to face interaction activates mirror neurons and helps with feelings of connection and intimacy. There are some subtle nonverbal “liking” behaviors that can only be detected in face to face interaction. Positive and engaging face to face interaction with friends, family members, classmates, and co-workers makes a significant difference. If you are on some level of a touching relationship with these people whether it be a handshake, hug, friendly should “slap” or whatever, do not miss a chance to appropriately touch or be touched. You cannot touch through technology or devices. Healthy touches activate the body and brain in specific ways that other connections cannot accomplish.

Initiate

Take initiative to create an agenda for each day and then take initiative to complete that agenda. There is enough uncertainty and ambiguity in life that adding to it by being passive to the whims of whatever context you exist in is not helpful for most people. Planning for the day helps to give confidence that you know what the day holds for you and what you hold for the day. You can anticipate breaks from work, know when you have done enough, and actually recall whatever it was you did that day. Also, planning is one of the very best antidotes to procrastination. Ounces of procrastination now result in pounds of stress later while ounces of initiative now result in pounds of satisfaction later.

Set and keep deadlines if you are not in a work, school, or life structure that provides them for you. And even if those are provided for you, make your own so you can make them your own – even if they are the same as those issued to you. Your deadline is better than their deadline even if it is the same deadline.

It is important when taking initiative to have some moderate level of flexibility. Rigidity can be as much of a mental health threat as ambiguity. Being immoveable can be as problematic as being rootless. Plan your plan and work you plan, but also use wisdom and discernment when unexpectedly things come up. You don’t have to do them all, but you don’t to reject them all either.

People who do not act in this world are often acted upon. If you do not write your story, a story will likely be written for you, and most likely the story written for you will not be as a good a fit. Taking initiative is not about always being right and it is not about never listening to anyone else; instead, taking initiative is believing that you are of value to your context and letting that value loose for the benefit of self and others.

Conclusion

The steps to creating a strong and resilient mental health immune system are simple to understand and easy to perform. However, in order for these steps to result in a strong mental health immune system, making these steps part of each day is essential. The more you accomplish of these seven steps over the next 30 days (or even the next 7 days) the more resilient you will be against anxiety, depression, and other symptoms that can develop when stress piles.

Church and Trauma: A Healthy Church Community Can Be A Place To Heal From Trauma

November 25, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

Church and Trauma: A Healthy Church Community Can Be A Place To Heal From Trauma

According the recent research, nearly half of all Americans have experienced one or more Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES). ACES are traumatic experiences that occur in childhood that can lead to significant problems and symptoms in childhood, but also into adulthood. The more ACES the more likely the development of symptoms while an individual is still a child, but also when they grow into adults.

What are these ACES? Here is a quick list:

· Physical abuse

· Sexual abuse

· Emotional abuse

· Physical neglect

· Emotional neglect

· Intimate partner violence

· Mother treated violently

· Substance misuse within household

· Household mental illness

· Parental separation or divorce

· Incarcerated household member

The experience of frequent symptoms of the trauma from ACES is more common than most people think. It is likely that some or many of the people you know and work with on a daily basis silently or secretly suffer from symptoms of trauma and you don’t know. it may be that you experience some symptoms from past experiences. In fact, people who have ACES might not know that their anxiety, drinking, sexual issues, intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors etc are related to the past trauma. Further, these unwanted thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relational patterns might actually be their effort to cope with the past trauma. Sometimes what looks like the problem is actually an attempt at a solution to another problem that is hidden.

Church is a community of people who meet regularly around a shared spiritual belief and rehearse shared practices with shared meanings and support one another in each other’s suffering while also celebrating each other’s successes. People in these faith communities share a hope placed in the future that can invite today’s suffering to be tolerable or meaningful regardless of how painful it is.

There is much about a church community, a healthy church community, that can be healing for someone who has symptoms of trauma. Here are five aspects of church that can provide a buffer against the symptoms of trauma.

Connection

One of the powerful effects of the symptoms of trauma is its isolation. The symptoms can be so embarrassing or so bothersome that they can motivate a person to keep them secret. Sometimes the easiest way to keep something secret is to disconnect from people. Churches offer connection in community. Healthy churches offer levels of community in the form of large groups, small groups, and one on one relationships. One way that these levels of connection help is for individuals to be a part of something larger than themselves. Connection can add meaning and purpose to people’s lives. Another way connection in a healthy church community helps people dealing with symptoms of trauma is belonging to a group. When people are able to say, these are my people, it is a powerful identification that provides security and confidence. Finally, a healthy church community offers many onramps for individuals to have meaningful relationships that have space for sharing stories, even difficult stories, without shame.

Consistency

Having a predictable social practice or ritual is helpful for people who suffer symptoms of trauma. When many things in life are uncertain or ambiguous, a healthy church community meets regularly at a known time and place and engages in known practices: worship, prayer, reading of scripture, communion, sermon. This consistency can be an orienting or rooting experience for people and can help to set expectations of at least one thing good happening in the week. If all else fails, at least there is church.

Attunement

One of the symptoms of trauma is that the body gets out of attunement with rest of the self and with others. Congregational singing and corporate liturgical practices such reciting prayers or scripture together create a sense of shared practice and help to connect people with one another. When we all know the words and can perform the script together, all bodies are doing the same time. There is a de-isolating and physical experience that is also emotionally engaging and intellectually inviting. Congregational singing and liturgical practice attune people to one another in body, heart, and mind. Rather than isolated people who may be internally disjointed, corporate practice attunes people internally as well as collectively.

Hope

A healthy church community provides a meaningful message of hope. This message of hope has a sense of eternal hope in that a new heavens and new earth is rushing toward us and upon its full arrival will result in the redemption of all things, including the traumatic events people have experienced. Also, a healthy church community provides a message of hope close to the here and now. The message of hope is that, no matter what, no one has to be alone. There is an inclusion that is healing even if it cannot undo past trauma experiences. Finally, the message of hope includes the idea that God is invested in converting suffering into meaning and invites us to join in on that impulse.

Story

A healthy church community is a place where story matters. Each individual’s story matters. A healthy church community will have space for stories, even stories of trauma, to be told without shame or additional harm. Sometimes that space is in a large group, sometimes that space is in a small group, and sometimes that space is one on one. The space for story is a safe and compassionate context that does not hold connection hostage to the content of the story, but instead asserts connection regardless of story. Furthermore, the future hope and the here and now hope story permeating a healthy church community invites the specific story of the individual to join. Even though everyone’s story is unique, no one’s story is isolated.

A healthy church community can offer important social supports for people who have experienced traumatic experiences and suffering from related symptoms. Being an engaged member of a church can help a person heal. At the same time, a person who experiences symptoms related to trauma should not consider church alone to be sufficient for healing. Working with a therapist to heal the wounds of trauma is important and often necessary to make significant progress. A good therapist will highlight the value of social support that healthy churches excel in.

Do you know what ACES are?

November 20, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

What are ACES?

Adverse Childhood Experiences.

There are 11 of them and here is the list:

1. Physical abuse

2. Sexual abuse

3. Emotional abuse

4. Physical neglect

5. Emotional neglect

6. Intimate partner violence

7. Mother treated violently

8. Substance misuse within household

9. Household mental illness

10. Parental separation or divorce

11. Incarcerated household member

Are ACES common?

Yes, they are very common and they often cluster together.

40% of people have 2 or more of these.

13% of people have 4 or more of these.

What can happen in the lives of people who have ACES in their past?

It should be noted that nothing is deterministic. ACES do not determine that any specific person will have a specific outcome, but the research shows significantly elevated risks for the following:

Early Initiation of alcohol use
Substance use disorder for people age 50+
Tobacco use in emerging adulthood
Increases in Prescription drug use
Addiction of all kinds
Attempted Suicide
Depression
High risk sexual behaviors
Fetal mortality for teenage mothers
Increased diabetes
Decreased heart health
Poor dental health

So what can be done?

If you have experienced ACES at some point in your childhood and are also having some difficulty in a relationships or dealing with addiction or mental health or even physical health, you might want to see a therapist to discuss what is happening and what happened. Research shows that simply leaving the past alone is not necessarily the best approach to address both current problems and past experiences.

There is healing and there is hope. Having ACES in your past does not mean your present and future are permanently ruined. There are excellent treatments that can help reduce of eliminate the symptoms of past traumatic experiences.

You do not have to just tough it out.

Aroma Therapy

November 10, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

Aroma Therapy

One of my favorite memories as a child was roast for lunch after Sunday morning church. Upon arriving home from church on Sunday we were met with the most delicious, mouth-watering, and savory aroma off all time. Roast. I would walk into the house after church, and it surprised me in the most pleasant and wonderful way every time. Oh yeah, roast!

I never saw the preparation my mother did each Sunday morning. I was still asleep or in the shower while mom got out the roasting pan and cut onions, carrots, and potatoes. She even made mashed potatoes. I did not see her planning earlier in the week to make sure all the elements of the roast feast were in place. I did not go to Rainbow grocery store and see her select just the right roast for the Sunday meal. I did not see any of the labor that went into making that aroma possible. I have no memory of any of the preparations.

What I cannot forget is the aroma.

Furthermore, growing up in Minnesota added to the delight. In the cold winter months when the drive to and from church was not long enough to get the car warm in the below zero air, we just stayed cold and bundled up going from one place to another. However, when we arrived home, we would all hurry from the car into the house to get warm. On Sundays, we piled the house to fell the rush of warmth at the same time as that first whiff of the roast aroma. It felt like the roast itself warmed our frigid skin.

I smiled at the aroma of roast. In the midst of the aroma of roast, it is almost impossible to be down, sad, grumpy, and out of sorts. The aroma is re-orienting, re-directing, and the most inviting distraction to whatever it was I was worried about, but somehow now can’t recall. The power of a delightful and delicious aroma is difficult to overestimate. But it is not the power of force; instead, it is the power of irresistible invitation. My mother could have worked all day long telling me to be happy or to smile or get over it, but instead she made roast and the happiness and the smiling took care of itself.

When it comes to relationships, whether the relationship is intimate like marriage, functional like work, social like neighbors, spiritual like church, or some meaningful interplay of two or more of these, the power of roast can tell us something. We accomplish something substantial when we go through the effort to create a delightful and delicious relational aroma.

We all have desired outcomes for our relationships, no matter the kind of relationship. We all want healthy, safe, trusting, meaningful, and effective relationships. We want to be a good relationship partner in intimate, work, social, and other relationships. We also want partners who are good partners. Sometimes when it feels like the partner is not holding up their end, it can be tempting to get that partner to do their part by force. And there may be times when that is appropriate. However, the reality is that you have very limited ability to force much in another person before they feel coerced, manipulated, and objectified.

Instead, working on yourself to be an inviting and delicious aroma (context) for the other person may be what inspires the very best in that other person. Being a good relational aroma inspires connection rather than resistance. Being a good relational aroma puts the sense of goodness and safety everywhere. A good relational aroma builds the anticipation that something good is going to happen while also relieving other people of the fear or anxiety about something bad that might happen.

Good relational aroma takes work – on yourself. Just like the Sunday morning roast didn’t just magically happen Sunday at noon, you cannot be a good relational aroma in an instant. There is prep work. There is planning. There are aspects to the work that have no aroma at all – and some parts of it can bring tears like cutting onions. The relational and spiritual discipline it takes to be an inviting and delicious aroma in your relationships requires behind the scene work.

But it’s worth it. The effort worth that delightful, delicious, and irresistible aroma. Can you smell it? Yum.

Rules of Attraction in Romantic Relationships

October 27, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

Rules of attraction in romantic relationships:

1. Do not confuse attraction with compatibility. Sometimes opposites attract, as they saying goes. However, attraction does not mean that people can get along, especially when times get difficult dues to outside stressors or conflict between each other. Attraction may serve as a relational onramp to investigate whether there is compatibility, but is not sufficient to discern whether a relationship has what it takes to last.

2. Just because there is attraction does not mean there has to be action. Some people think attraction means much more than it actually does, that it requires that there be an investigation of whether a relationship could happen. The reality is that you will find attractive qualities in people throughout your life. This person is beautiful and that person has a great personality while this other person is oozing with courage – all attractive. Each may inspire feelings of attraction. What does it mean? It means they are attractive, not that there must be some sense of whether there could be something between you and that person. God intentionally made people attractive, but not for the purpose of your acquisition.

3. Attraction is generally chemical; love is decisional. Attraction is in large measure a natural chemical reaction that feels good, but is all too often mistaken for love. Attraction, as special and awesome as it is, is not love. Attraction takes no effort or investment – it just sort of spontaneously happens as neurons fire in the brain. Love, on the other hand, is volitional. Love takes effort, thought, intention, and most importantly, love takes time. You can know in one second whether you are attracted to someone, but you cannot know whether you are in love. Attraction is like lightning. It is instant, powerful, and pretty much out of control. Attraction holds lots of energy, but is hard to do much with. Love is like a garden. There is intention in planting. There is nurturing through feeding and watering. There is waiting for growth. And in the end, there is a harvest that sustains.

4. Attraction is not going to be what gets your relationship through hard times. Attraction disappears in interpersonal conflict and it can’t pay the bills. In hard times (and every relationship will have many of them), the brain needs to function in other ways than attraction. The feel good firing of the neurons shift to problem solving and sometimes survival neuron firing. Hinging an entire relationship on the spontaneous firing of neurons that cause initial attraction is like banking on birthday cake for all of your body’s nutritional needs. You can try it, but it cannot sustain a relationship through the long haul.

5. Attraction alone depends on qualities that, in general, fade over time. Attraction is often linked to some physical characteristic or ability. These characteristics generally fade over time. Skin wrinkles, hair greys, body parts sag, younger people outflank your swagger, muscles soften, and in general, people age. People who count on that initial attraction as the glue for sustaining the relationship over time will be disappointed and lose motivation to be in the relationship. Any attractive quality found in one person can be found in another. Therefore, they may seek out another when that glue no longer sticks.

WHEN REVISITING THE BONEYARD OF REGRET

October 1, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

1 Nov 17

In Sufjan Stevens 2005 song Chicago, there is a refrain that repeats over and over, “I made a lot of mistakes; I made a lot of mistakes.” For a song that might be cloaked in ambiguity lyrically, it resonates emotionally. Who can’t repeat the refrain and mean it? There are few feelings like the angst of aching regret giving way to the humble relief of confession. The nature of regret is torment, suffering, and persistent psychological self-harm. The nature of confession however, is freeing. Confession frees to leave the boneyard of regret, frees to learn from failure, frees to remember without suffering.

Sooner or later, everyone pays a visit to the boneyard of regret. Strewn with the carcasses of hurt feelings, corpses of stupid mistakes, and skeletal bones of all manner of failures, the boneyard of regret is a place where parts of people go to die. Embarrassment, shame, and humiliation haunt this boneyard where it is always midnight, always foggy, and always looks like there is no way out.

For some people, it is tempting to do anything possible never to visit the boneyard. Avoid, deflect, rush to pleasure - there are many ways to run from regret. For other people, it is tempting to pitch a tent in the boneyard, endlessly trying to solve the unsolvable equation – time travel. They torture themselves with “If only I had…” as though they can unfail. Whether avoiding the boneyard or taking up residence in it, each results in the construction of a realm of suffering that is unnecessary.

Visiting the boneyard of regret is an unfortunate requirement of being human. It cannot be avoided. So, when in the boneyard, here are a few things to consider.

Confess and be free.

There is truth in the boneyard. It is a hard truth, a very hard truth. The bones found rummaging around in the boneyard are the historical facts. All of the facts are true. They are the mistakes, injuries and failures of the past. Just looking at them can be overwhelming. No matter how hard it is to look at them, owning those mistakes, injuries, and failures is required. This boneyard is a place of responsibility and honesty – courageous responsibility; hard honesty. However, the facts must be confessed as just the facts, and nothing more. Just confess and be free. It is the road to self-acceptance.

Learn everything you can.

There is pain in the boneyard. Extreme pain. Sometimes the pain is extraordinary and can be unbearable at times. No one in their right mind wants suffering and pain. However, there is more than suffering in pain. There can be learning along with the pain. All pain and suffering can be instructive. Of all the teachers, guides, and mentors, pain is among the most profound and prolific, if the teaching methods can be tolerated. There is no end to the learning that can be acquired in the boneyard. It can make people better people. Wise people will get all the learning they can.

Give it your grief.

There is grief in the boneyard, but not until it is placed there. Every bone in that bone yard will not be satisfied until it is grieved. Something was lost and that is how the bones got there. There are things there that cannot be undone. There are losses that cannot be regained. There are mistakes that cannot be perfected. One mistake people make when visiting the boneyard is to invest energy into solving something that should be grieved. Go to the boneyard to grieve and then leave a portion of the grief there once you leave.

Visit, but leave.

There is no home in the boneyard. Everything in the boneyard is dead. It is an inhabitable place where no one can survive staying there too long. It’s the surface of the moon. It’s Mars. Yes, visits are necessary and can do some good – but leave. The boneyard exists so there is a place for those painful moments of the past to reside so that people can move forward with their lives. It exists so that people can have it if they need a visit every once in a while as they go about their lives trying to make sense of it without having to carry it all with them all the time.

Leave the bones in the yard.

There are regrets in the boneyard - and that is where they belong. There is no need to carry that past around all the time to every place. The boneyard is a great mercy in that there is a place to put all that pain and then be separate form it for a while. Learning to leave the boneyard is one of the most important spiritual disciplines a person can humbly enter into. Learning to leave the boneyard is the learning how to have a mature relationship with pain and suffering, paying visits, but only for so long. Learning to leave the boneyard is about how to have a mature relationship with grief and loss, when to carry it in and how much to leave there. Rather than avoiding the boneyard or being buried in it, the point is to develop a relationship with it that has good boundaries. And good boundaries means leaving the bones in the boneyard. Exhuming the bones for living room decorations is not hospitable for anyone.

Seriously, Leave The Bones There.

It can be overwhelming looking at all those bones. Owning the bones is hard, but when making claims to the bones, do not go beyond making the claim. It can be tempting to generalize past the facts. It is one thing to confess, “I made this mistake,” but it is quite another thing to assign additional meaning, “I made this mistake and therefore I am a terrible person / disqualified / worthless” and on and on. See the difference. It is responsible to own the bone, but it is irresponsible to assign a psychologically self-harming meaning to the bone. Own the bone and then drop it in the boneyard. People are not worthless. People have infinite worth; it is how people are created.

The boneyard of regret serves a very important purpose in people’s lives. It is a mercy filled with wisdom that demands growth, learning, and maturity in order to access. It is a hard mercy, like a cemetery. It is an unyielding mercy that cannot be avoided. It is an hard, but benevolent mercy that, given the circumstances and when accessed with wisdom, provides the best chance at living for the length of one’s life – thus being the best option overall.

The Road Back To You

October 1, 2018 Chris Gonzalez

THE ROAD BACK TO YOU

6 Nov 17

Do you know yourself? I mean, REALLY know yourself? Do you know what motivates you? What is your psychological "super power"? What is your psychological vulnerability or "kryptonite"? Wouldn't it be nice to fully know yourself more fully? Well, if that sounds good to you, then I have good news: The Road Back To You.

The Road Back To You is an introduction to an insightful tool called the Enneagram. Yes, "Enneagram" is a strange word. The Enneagram itself, is an not strange. It is a way to look at yourself, like a psychological mirror, that can help you know yourself better than you do now. The Enneagram can help you understand yourself and others better, but more importantly, it can help you accept yourself and others more than you do.

Want in on this? Let me show you two ways.

1. Below is a link to the book or you can get the audiobook here.

2. Not ready to commit to buying it? No worries. Get a taste on the podcast here and here. I feel confident you will want more.

Last year I had to opportunity to be the guest on a podcast (hint: I am a 9, Peacemaker). Take a listen here if you like.

I hope you are interested in self-discovery. TRBTY is waiting to help.