Rules of attraction in romantic relationships:
1. Do not confuse attraction with compatibility. Sometimes opposites attract, as they saying goes. However, attraction does not mean that people can get along, especially when times get difficult dues to outside stressors or conflict between each other. Attraction may serve as a relational onramp to investigate whether there is compatibility, but is not sufficient to discern whether a relationship has what it takes to last.
2. Just because there is attraction does not mean there has to be action. Some people think attraction means much more than it actually does, that it requires that there be an investigation of whether a relationship could happen. The reality is that you will find attractive qualities in people throughout your life. This person is beautiful and that person has a great personality while this other person is oozing with courage – all attractive. Each may inspire feelings of attraction. What does it mean? It means they are attractive, not that there must be some sense of whether there could be something between you and that person. God intentionally made people attractive, but not for the purpose of your acquisition.
3. Attraction is generally chemical; love is decisional. Attraction is in large measure a natural chemical reaction that feels good, but is all too often mistaken for love. Attraction, as special and awesome as it is, is not love. Attraction takes no effort or investment – it just sort of spontaneously happens as neurons fire in the brain. Love, on the other hand, is volitional. Love takes effort, thought, intention, and most importantly, love takes time. You can know in one second whether you are attracted to someone, but you cannot know whether you are in love. Attraction is like lightning. It is instant, powerful, and pretty much out of control. Attraction holds lots of energy, but is hard to do much with. Love is like a garden. There is intention in planting. There is nurturing through feeding and watering. There is waiting for growth. And in the end, there is a harvest that sustains.
4. Attraction is not going to be what gets your relationship through hard times. Attraction disappears in interpersonal conflict and it can’t pay the bills. In hard times (and every relationship will have many of them), the brain needs to function in other ways than attraction. The feel good firing of the neurons shift to problem solving and sometimes survival neuron firing. Hinging an entire relationship on the spontaneous firing of neurons that cause initial attraction is like banking on birthday cake for all of your body’s nutritional needs. You can try it, but it cannot sustain a relationship through the long haul.
5. Attraction alone depends on qualities that, in general, fade over time. Attraction is often linked to some physical characteristic or ability. These characteristics generally fade over time. Skin wrinkles, hair greys, body parts sag, younger people outflank your swagger, muscles soften, and in general, people age. People who count on that initial attraction as the glue for sustaining the relationship over time will be disappointed and lose motivation to be in the relationship. Any attractive quality found in one person can be found in another. Therefore, they may seek out another when that glue no longer sticks.