Work, school, church, entertainment, food prep and clean up. More of these things are happening at home during this pandemic, and they are happening all the time. But there is no more space in the home for these things. Just about every function of life now has to happen from home.
For couples who are trying to make this all happen, scrambling to make sure they are accomplishing their work, uncertain about whether their job will even continue, trying to appear professional in a Zoom call in their staged Zoomroom in a home that might look like a disaster area just outside of camera view, negotiating work space and technology with their partner - couples feel the added pressure of carving out space for work that only a few weeks ago was intended specifically for not working.
Couples with children are trying accomplish this work scenario while managing their children's education, feeding their children meals, while managing and attending to their children's presence emotionally while feeling the grind of a collection of additional responsibilities.
All of the normal routines of presence and sound are limited and changed with work and school boundaries dictating the patterns and rhythms of home. Where you can be. What you can wear. Sounds you can and cannot make. Tasks you can and cannot perform.
It's no longer safe to walk around in your pajamas or less in your own home because someone else might be on a Zoom call.
It's no longer safe to yell something into the other room because all of your partner's co-workers might hear it.
Who gets the good space to their videoconferencing? Who gets the good computer? Who gets the...?
More communication is required in order to arrive at shared expectations of limited time and space. While each is trying to persist in continuity of work and school, couples are having to do all of that in space that was supposed to be a sanctuary from all of that.
Here is some "couples in quarantine" advice:
1. Have a couple meeting for the purpose of getting all of the needs on the table. Your work and school is asking for access to your time and your space. Get a sense for how much is being asked of each of you and you as a couple. It will surprise you just how much is being asked of you when you get it all on the table.
Take a breath.
2. Have empathy for what your partner is going through. You know the adjustments you are having to make, but you might not have considered how challenging it is for your partner. Giving the empathy your partner needs can go a long way toward getting the empathy you hope you could get.
3. Acknowledge what you've lost. You've lost considerable structure, rhythm, and space. Couples both working from home have lost a lot of freedoms they have enjoyed in their homes. Even though this loss is temporary, it is still a loss. Acknowledge it. It is ok to feel sad, angry, pressured, imposed upon. Every unexpressed feeling will assert itself in some other way if neglected for too long.
4. Encourage one another that this is temporary and you're committed to doing what it takes to get through this. Your partner is your most important relational asset right now. Nurture that relationship with empathy and encouragement.
5. Set up regular check-ins to assess how you're doing in managing this new way of using home space. What is working and what needs adjustment. Keep blame out of this meeting, but make sure to acknowledge everything your partner does that is working well.
The added pressure this pandemic is adding to couples is significant. It can feel like a grind. It is. The opportunity for couples is that they can sharpen their efforts at mutuality, empathy, encouragement, support, and communication.