The Covid-19 pandemic has turned so many things upsidedown. Work from home, school from home, entertain from home, and eat at home. Quite a bit is being asked of the American home and the people in those homes right now. Most of life is being insourced or homesourced. For couples and families, a lot is being asked of those relationships inside those homes while for people who live alone, quite a bit is being asked of their social patterns as well. The stressors are elevated and chronic for many.
Stressors such as these can lead to some challenges and problems. Here are 5 problems that might occur or be revealed during a pandemic and what to do about them.
1. Added stress
For many individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic and all the disruptions it has caused pile up additional stress on top of what was already stressful. Some people and some relationships might have been at their max for stress before the pandemic. Adding more stress is not what was hoped for.
Some things you can do is to remember that this is temporary. This is not the new normal; it is the new moment. Sure, it might last several more weeks, but that is different than lasting forever. Another thing you can do is to tally up that which moved off your plate. So many deadlines, events, responsibilities, and things that cost time and money have been rescheduled or canceled. There is no need to carry the stress you carried for thing s that will not happen at all or will not happen now. You may have to grieve their loss, and that is very hard. But not everything that was lost is worth being sad about. Some deserve private celebrations because you didn't want to do it anyway. One more thing you can do is to understand that your quality of work has a lot to do with your quality of work space and work environment. To expect the same or better productivity at home with children trying to do school from home, with meals having to be made or ordered, with limited space for actually doing work (e.g Your Zoom Room is the only 25 square feet in your house that isn't a disaster area) etc. is not helpful. Adjust expectations to conditions while doing your best. Have some grace for your work. Do your best, but read the room.
2. Escalate existing stress.
For many individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic takes an existing stressor to the next level. Fissures in relationships may feel added pressure and open up wider. Couples or families with strained relationships who once found respite in going to work or going to school are now around each other most of the day. Some people who live on their own may feel more distance from people they no longer can be with their friends and family.
Boundaries are extremely important in a time of pandemic. People living in households are forced to be near one another, but that does not mean they do not have to give up on boundaries. In fact, this might be an excellent opportunity to construct new and healthy boundaries. Rules and roles in relationships can be renegotiated. This is a natural way to enter into conversations about wants and needs in a relationship. This is also an opportunity to expand the scope of ways people communicate with one another. With social entertaining emerging with the Netflix Party chrome extension, House Party app, and other gaming applications, connection may not be so much face to face, but it doesn't have to go away.
3. Activate past trauma response.
For some individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic is touching on past trauma wounds in some expected and some unexpected ways. Attachment wounds may be activated when people cannot be with the people they love and may depend on for help. Prolonged social distancing might even dredge up the wound of abandonment some have experienced, even if that wound has been long since addressed. Just the experience of some powerful force (e.g. pandemic) larger and stronger than you forcing undesirable requirements can in some ways be similar to trauma.
In moment such as these, using grounding techniques (e.g. touch something around you to let your body know where it is) and relaxation techniques (slow and deep breathing)can help to restore the body to baseline. Sometimes taking a walk can help the body to reset or getting into the kitchen and preparing food. When the trauma response is active, you do not have be oppressed by it.
4. Interrupt established coping strategies.
For some individuals, couples, and families, the pandemic has interrupted the ways of coping that have helped them heal and remain healthy. Traditions, rituals, and go-to practices that have done so much good in their lives are no longer available to them.
The good news is that you and the people with whom you have relationships have demonstrated your ability to construct good coping strategies. It means you can most likely do it again. However, it will take having the awareness of what was lost, enduring the emotional outcomes, and collectively agree to start again AND agree that when things get back to normal (whatever that means) the best of the previous rituals and traditions can resume.
5. Become the new home for pre-existing undifferentiated anxiety.
For some individuals, couples, and families, there has been a lingering, chronic, and undifferentiated anxiety always afloat within and between people (differentiated anxiety is anxiety where you know the source while undifferentiated anxiety is anxiety that is just there, with no known source). The pandemic provides content for this undifferentiated anxiety to attach itself to and become the justification for the anxiety. The psychological tail wags the psychological dog. The anxiety is sometimes fed with ruminating, obsessing, dosing up on 24 hour news, scouring internet websites and blogs, and having endless pandemic infused conversations. When there is too much undifferentiated anxiety afloat in the system, a major situation like a pandemic can become the central operating principle of a person or their relational system. It is almost like the pandemic serves to activate an addiction waiting to happen.
What can be good about this situation is that it can alert an individual or relational system about their condition that was already up and running - significant undifferentiated anxiety - but they were not aware of it. Upon detecting this, people and relational systems can move to address their anxiety (and not believe they have to solve the pandemic to feel some relief). This effort can be pursued through various kinds of self work, but might best be done under the care of a therapist. Having lots of undifferentiated anxiety lingering around often means there is an unhealed wound or some growth areas that need some attention. Each of us have an amount of undifferentiated anxiety, but when it becomes too much, it seeks a reason and means of expression.