“Enneagram nines fall asleep to their anger.” Ian Morgan Cron
Not everyone experiences their own anger the same. I suppose if observed closely enough, I would find that no one experiences their own anger exactly like anyone else. However, there is a distinction between how people come to realize and understand their own anger. Some people know their anger immediately and some people have to figure it out over time - every single time.
Detecting Anger
Some people detect their anger immediately, like an emotional bee sting or perhaps the emotional equivalent of the odor of a skunk. Wow! There is it. Ouch . Yuck! How could you miss it? Anger shows up for whatever reason (often a perceived boundary violation) and they have immediate access to that anger. They know it when it shows up; they know it by name. The presence of anger is unambiguous and obvious. Upon immediate detection of anger, that person is set in the position of having to respond to that anger in some way.
Other people (people like me) do not detect their anger immediately. Or perhaps they do not recognize what they feel as anger. Instead, anger to some people feels more like an ambiguous and ill-defined discomfort with no real known source or cause. There are not even words to give the feeling definition. It feels like something, but it certainly doesn’t feel like anger. For these people anger enters in by stealth. Oftentimes there is an enduring obliviousness to anger that it is next to impossible to know when the ambiguous and ill-defined discomfort started. It’s like trying to notice the fog rolled in, but it took ten hours to go from clear to foggy. It takes a long time for these people to name the feeling.
Of course these two categories have lots of variation within them and are likely not the only two categories of how people detect their own anger. The more important point is that not all anger is experienced the same way, sort of like the very same hot sun melts butter and hardens clay. Knowing people experience their anger (or any emotion) differently can help broaden one’s scope of empathy and acceptance of emotionally divergent people from oneself.
Stewarding Anger
With these two different ways of detecting anger come different responsibilities. Yes, anger responsibility. I don’t like the idea of anger management; it puts anger in too negative a light. I prefer anger stewardship. Anger is a tough gift used properly and a terrible curse that can result in damage if poorly stewarded. It can be lightning in a bottle or it can be static electricity. Or it can be a directing lightning strike. So, how can people who experience anger so differently steward their anger?
Rapid anger detection demands the person experiencing anger have in place a way to hold back on what might seem like the right thing to do in the moment, but isn’t. Here I am thinking more about impulse control than repression. Impulse control is the ability to build in some time and space between anger detection and anger action. With no space between anger detection and anger action, it is all about impulse, reflex, and instinct - it is all animal no restraint. Rapid detectors have the stewardship task not to squander their anger in impulsive and unintentional action. Rather, good stewardship for people who have rapid anger detection is to build intention into the process of anger. It is not merely about thinking before acting, but instead it is about acknowledging the gift of anger and finding a way to put it to good use. Sometimes that is deconstructing the anger like dismantling an atomic bomb while other times it is using it for energy and passion funneled into a just cause. There are lots of very good and healthy uses for anger. Regardless, undifferentiated anger action rarely goes well for the person experiencing anger and anyone within striking distance.
Slow anger detection demands the person experiencing anger to have in place the curiosity and introspection to seek out and discover the anger that simmers beneath the surface. There is a sense in which these people need a way to wake up to their anger. Obliviousness to anger is poor stewardship just like an impulsive reaction for the rapid anger detectors. Chronic and prolonged obliviousness to one’s own anger squanders the gift of anger. Such obliviousness could result in an enduring internal energy drain, like too many tabs on a web browser open all at once, or perhaps an ever greater threat such as the erosion of the capacity for compassion and empathy. Anger demands action and it will not be ignored forever - and no one gets a pass for not knowing that the ambiguous feeling was actually anger. The bomb needs to be defused or put in an appropriate place. If it is left to alone tick tick boom!
Good stewardship of anger is about detecting the presence of anger and being prepared to use it appropriately. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. It is a human emotion and we need it for survival. However, anger is powerful. Stewarded poorly anger could result in more destruction than any other emotions.